Chapter Twenty-One: Cancer Ghosting- Wait, was I ghosted?!

Thursday, February 27th, 2020:

Last night, a new friend took me to an awesome storytelling event: The Moth StorySLAM. The theme for this event was “Love hurts.” I was not brave enough to share my own five-minute tale at my first Moth event, but it really got me thinking.

My mind repeatedly circled back to a recent traumatic event I experienced. “Being diagnosed with cancer?” you might be thinking. But, surprisingly, no. The event my mind kept circling around was an abrupt, recent ending of a friendship I held dear to me. Let’s call this friend Mike. Mike and I had been friends for many months. He was one of my best friends. We talked every day about whatever random thoughts were on our minds, which were often many. In Thailand, Mike and I continued to talk every day despite the time difference and distance. Not surprisingly, when I had my MRI in Thailand (read chapter six if you’re confused here) and learned, quite suddenly, that I had a brain tumor, I told Mike. He expressed sympathy, sent a few nice messages, and told me he would visit me in the hospital when I returned to the USA.

Well, Mike never showed up at the hospital. Not only did he not visit me, he abruptly cut off all communication with me, blocked my phone number and “unfollowed” me on social media. This reminded me quite a bit of my actions as a 14-year-old girl, although Mike is a 34-year-old man. Hmm.

I was very confused by Mike’s actions, which were quite different than the actions of most of my friends and family, who demonstrated love, kindness, and support through this very challenging time in my life. I reached out to Mike multiple times, both via email (since he had blocked my number) and also in person. I was genuinely worried about him. His behavior was strange, to say the least. Sadly, Mike he ignored me. He never responded to my emails; he walked away when I saw him in person. Honestly, I thought, “Is he the one with the brain tumor?” This behavior was so odd, so unlike Mike, that I couldn’t process it.

Yesterday, at The Moth storytelling event, many people shared stories about being “ghosted.” (“Ghosting” is essentially the act of ending a relationship by abruptly and without explanation, warning, or justification, breaking off all communication and contact with someone and ignoring the other’s attempts to communicate.) I realized suddenly, holy shit, was I ghosted by Mike?!

Who ghosts someone with cancer for fuck’s sake?!

Well, turns out, many people “ghost” someone with cancer. Can you believe this? Like any good nerd, I started to do some research on this topic. I found a few articles about “Cancer Ghosting.” War on Cancer, a social networking app for cancer survivors, performed an informal research study and found that “65% of our respondents said that friends or relatives had disappeared or cut contact after their diagnosis. This heartbreaking phenomenon is known as cancer ghosting.” I have not done a thorough enough review of this study to know exactly how high-quality or evidence-based this research was, but nevertheless, I find it fascinating.

Cancer ghosting. Can you believe this exists? This is horrible! In some ways, being ghosted by Mike was just as traumatizing, or even more so, than being diagnosed with cancer. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I knew this was just bad luck. I didn’t “do anything” to cause it. It just happened. When I was ghosted though, I thought “What did I do? What did I say? Did I do something wrong?” In some ways, this was harder to process.

Why does this phenomenon of “cancer ghosting” exist? In an article called “Cancer Ghosting is Real – Many Survivors Say Friends Suddenly Disappear After a Diagnosis” (survivornet.com, published 2/22/2020), cancer survivors share their thoughts on this issue. One survivor says she “learned fairly quickly which friends were the good ones and which, well, were not there for the long haul.” Another says, “some of her friendships ended because certain people just couldn’t understand what she was going through.”

Many cancer survivors (a term used for people who had had cancer or are living with cancer) feel that “cancer ghosting” exists because some friends simply don’t know what to say, are scared they will say the wrong thing, can’t handle the idea of worrying about someone else’s health, or are scared they will get too close to someone who is sick and dying.

Recently, I went to see my fantastic therapist. Therapy is a wonderful thing for many people and I highly recommend it. If you ever think, “wow, it would be nice to talk this difficult/sad/happy/challenging/stressful situation out with an uninvolved third party” considering doing exactly that and request an appointment with a qualified therapist to help you navigate life’s challenging situations. Anyways, I digress.

Before I had heard the term “cancer ghosting,” I told my therapist about this sad, traumatic ending of my friendship with Mike. I told her that I felt like he simply couldn’t deal with my cancer diagnosis, but I didn’t understand why. My therapist had a brilliant thought. She told me that many people find it very difficult to know what to say to someone with cancer, with a terminal illness, etc. She suggested that I use a blog post to try and teach others what things are helpful versus not helpful to say to someone with cancer. I liked this idea. This is a very generalized, non-evidenced-based list of ideas for those interested:

What to say to someone with cancer:

- Literally any damn thing you would say to someone without cancer.

- “Hi. How are you?”

- “Want to grab dinner?”

- “Have you seen _____ new show on Netflix?”

- “How do you feel?” For me, at least, I am 100% ok talking about the fact that I have cancer (obviously, I’m sharing this blog publicly with thousands of people). Not everyone with cancer feels this way. But, if the cancer survivor brings it up, the “c word” isn’t off limits. Let him/her talk about it and be there for emotional support. You really can’t say the wrong thing.

What NOT to say/do to someone with cancer:

- “What is your prognosis?”

- “How many years did the doctor say you have left?” (No one knows the answer to this, people)

- Nothing. Do not “ghost” your friend with cancer. I beg you.

Thank you to all of my friends and family who have not “cancer ghosted” me. I appreciate every single text, call, card, hello, coffee/lunch/dinner date, prayer, non-prayer, and nice thought from all of you. There is basically no “wrong thing” to say to someone with cancer. I’m still me, after all.

Daily musings: Cancer ghosting is traumatic, sad, unnecessary, and unfortunately not uncommon. Thanks to those who have stuck by my side. Also, what can you say to someone with cancer? Basically, anything at all.

(Enjoy some photos of my fantastic friends and family. Thanks for your ongoing love and friendship. There are so many more amazing relatives and friends I want to post pictures of here, but I better ask for your permission first :). From top left - Marisa and me on NYE, my family, dad and I in Arizona, recent husband/forever friend J, brother Matt and pup Ridley, Kari and me 12 years ago!, S and me with the elephants in Chiang Mai, Stephanie and me in great hats)

Fondly, Courtney

©CB2020